"you left me hanging..

It's been 3 months since my last blog, I got too busy in certain cases that's why..

But as of this moment, I had this inclusive concept that made me drop a line in my page. I am totally uninformed of what is going on, not having even a clue of what have I've done for you to act that way. It's just so weird, the last time we see each other were fine, after that day I was not aware that day will be our last day..

It's our usual not to send messages everyday, cause were both busy and we knew each other that way. I just let that way because, its the condition of things between us generally. But I was really surprise of your way! And I'm not even fuckin' fine! How could you left me, without even giving a sensible reason nor telling that you are walking away. Your'e causing me misery and so much pain. Until now, strange and surprising. I tried to get hold of you, but you keep silent. I tried to dispose the thought of you in certain ways, but Im so stupid that I can't.

I know we haven't make a promise nor a commitment, but as a person, you should know and assess the time value I have given you. Don't just left me hanging... I am emotionally and intellectually attached with you, you must know it..

So please, growled a reply! And let something be known!

"AS THEY GREW UP"

Had a great weekends.

Pakiramdam ko gumaling ako. Leave ako ng Friday, kaya Thursday pa lang ng gabi nasa Bulacan na ako para mgpahinga. Nakapagpahinga naman ako ng isang buong araw. Friday ng gabi dumating ang mga pamangkins ko from school sinundo sila ng dad nila (brother ko) para dito sila mg-spend weekends nila. Three weeks ko na silang hindi nakita kaya sobrang miss ko na sila.

Pagdating nila, niyakap ko kagad ang bunso namen, namiss ko talaga siya, at sa yakap na iyon naramdaman kong namiss nya din ako. Lumaki kasi sya na palaging nakakapit saken, kaya natutuwa naman ako na kahit hindi na sila dito sa amin nakatira, kapag umuuwi sila dito ay hindi pa naman nila ako nakakalimutan. Kung gaano kame ka-close noong maliliit pa sila ganoon pa din naman hanggang ngayon. Kahit 7yrs old na ang panganay at 5yrs old naman si bunso, baby pa din sila parasa akin.

Noong umalis sila dito sa amin, ang takot ko noon baka isang araw kapag nakita nila ako ay hindi na nila matandaan kung gaano kame ka-close, na baka isang araw ay hindi na nila ako kilala. Na hindi mo na sila nakikita sa paglaki nila, na baka habang lumalaki sila nakakalimutan na nila na parte ka ng buhay nila. Iyon ang pinakamasakit para sa akin. Pero sa ngayon mukhang hindi naman. Kapag nandito sila sa amin parang hari at reyna ang dumadating, sila ang nagiging dahilan para magka-bonding moments ang family namen, sila ang dahilan ng saya sa tahanan namin.

Friday night dvd marathon kame, kain ng kung anu-anong chichiria, harutan, kulitan hanggang sa makatulog na. I spend the night with them sa house ng bro ko, minsan lang kasi talaga sila nandito, minsan ko lang sila makatabi sa pagtulog. At the same time iyon lang din ang pagkakataon na kasama ko ang kapatid ko. Sa kabila ng lahat ng nangyari kahit na may pagkakataon na nagalit ako sa kanya, hindi pa din noon nasira ang pagiging magkapatid namin at pagiging close. Kinalimutan ko na din ang mga nangyari at hinahayaaan ko na lang siya na maging masaya. Pero iyon ibig sabihin na sumang-ayon na ako sa kanya. But for the sake of the kids handa naman ako kalimutan ang mgapagkakamali nya.

Saturday, breakfast lang tapos lipat naman kami sa house ng mom ko, kain ng ice cream, then lunch ng-bonding kame thru ihaw-ihaw ng pagkain namin. After lunch balik ulit sa house ng bro ko till night na.

Sunday morning, prepare na sila para umuwi sa mom nila. Iyon ng routine palagi kapag umuuwi sila dito Sunday morning kailangan na nila umuwi sa mom nila. Syempre sumama ako maghatid sa kanila para ma-spend ko pa ang konting oras with them. Pagdating sa house nila, kwentuhan konti with their mom, kain ng konti, and laugh out loud with kalokohan ng mga kids. Iyon lang ulit ang pagkakataon na nakita ko na magkakasama silang pamilya na nagtatawanan, sa isip ko noon kailan kaya sila ulit mabubuo? Kung makikita mo kung gaano kasaya ang mga bata kapag kasama nila ang mommy at daddy nila ng sabay. Iba ung kaligayahan nila.

Time to say bye to the kids, kailangan na namin umuwi, this is always the sad part, si bunso kasi kapag hinhatid namin sila palaging humahabol. And it sucks to see kung gaano nya kagusto sumama sa amin, pero hindi pwede. Kahit ako it breaks my heart. Kung pwede lang bakit hindi. Kahit nasasaktan ka kailanganmo silang iwanan. The minute na pagtalikod pa lang namin, haaayyyyyyyyy.......... Miss ko na sila kagad. Minsan iniisip ko din, na sana hindi ko nalang sila ka-close para hindi ko sila namimiss, para hindi ko sila palaging hinihintay,but damn! sobrang mahal ko sila.

I'm still hoping in HIS time, mabubuo ulit ang pamilya nila.

Miss ko na kayo sa susunod ulit nating pagkikita.

"SICK WITH ENVY"

Got sick. Not feeling well, that's why I decided to have a sick leave.

Shame......... I have 2 leaves for this month in two consecutive week.
Both sick leave. I'm really sick, but i don't know if I'm doing this to run out of my job or I got sick because of my job, I am deeply affected of what my job is.

Maybe. I can't find any sensible reason to leave than being sick.

Sad for me, I am "SICK WITH ENVY".. But I can't reproach anyone for my lapses and misdeed. There's no one to be blame but me. I can't form an estimate on what life has to offer, rather I am no more expecting. It might be my price, for wishing to much. Now I know the meaning of being contented, contented on what HE has given you. You should know how to control your specific feeling of desire. At least now I know.

But I've gone through this because of my aspirations. Am I wrong to dream? Or these dreams had been too much?..

I am no longer in possession nor have a control in my direction, I want to take a reverse gear but its no longer applicable, I tried to speed up but it makes me stop, and there's no u-turn slot ahead, where am I going? I'm lost definitely.

Wish I could found new and right direction. Here I am again wishing. Too bad.. I should change this apparent nature. I will.

I'm letting all my burdens and fears in HIS grace hands. Whatever will be, will be..
I just hope I can still smile tomorrow.

"SAKTO"

'Parang tiwala pag nasira na bigla-biglaang talaga, mahirap ng idikit ang tiwala pag napunit" -TSOKOLATE by Parokya ni Edgar

Theme song namen yan ng "bestfriend" ko nung college. Should I call it bestfriend? may nagsabi nga sa akin, hindi bestfriend ang tawag dun kung madali itong nasira ng mga stupidong bagay. Tama nga naman. I strongly agree. Natatandaan ko ang huli kong post dito ay nabanggit ko pa sya that I was able to accept the fact na hindi na kame magiging okay kailanman. Totoo naman eh, natanggap ko na at okay na ko. Ganun talaga ang buhay hindi ba? some people will leave you, you just have to accept.

Pero bakit ko ba ito pino-post dito, bakit ko naisipan magsulat tungkol sa kanya. Hindi ko din alam, I'm stupid to think, pero sobrang tamang tama ang timing nya na bigla nya akong naalala. One month ago na ang birthday ko, she sent me a message "Belated Happy Birthday!" Nung moment na iyon sobrang lutang ako kase nga depressed ako with my new assignment, kaya ng makita ko ang sender ng message na yon nagulat ako, hindi ko nga alam kung magrereply ako sa text na iyon, I was thinking "baka wrong sent?, baka hindi siya yon?, baka someone is just using her cellphone?" I asked a friend kung magrereply ako, sabi nya mag-thank you ka sabihin mo lang "Thanks!" Then I texted her "Salamat and yngat". Pero right at that moment nag-flashback talaga ung college life namen, medyo sumaya ako ng maalala ko lahat pero nalungkot ako wishing I could turn back time, I miss her honeslty and her family.

Ngayon kase, I keep everything to myself. Wala eh, no one is around to be my keeper. Unlike dati, sabi nga nila magkadugtong ang bituka namen.

The night that day I texted her ulit, "Kmzta kn?"

Hindi din naman ako umaasa na mag-rereply siya, and like what I've expected hindi na siya sumagot. Naisip ko nun, maybe gusto nga lang nya ko batiin in later time, dahil siguro binati ko rin sya noong kaarawan nya late na din. It was fine with me, nakalimutan ko na nga na nag-text pala ako sa kanya.

The next morning, she texted me "Ui pacenxa kna ngaun lang ako nkareply, ok lang naman pu ako, kw?"

Nag-isip pa ko ng matagal kung anung isasagot ko, maybe dahil I already forget how to talk her to her, morethan a year na din kase na hindi talaga kame nag-usap, thats why I was too mute that moment. I just told her "Masaya nman ako at naalala mo aqng itxt". Medyo nag-usap naman kame, kahit na mararamdaman mo na it is in a cold manner. Hindi ako alam kung ito ba ang tamang pagkakataon para magka-ayos kame, pero wala pa ding nagbabago sa amin, pareho pa ding mataas ang pride namen, like the old times. Pero at least nakapg-kwnetuhan kame kahit papano about what is happening today. Medyo nabawasan ang depression ko. At hindi na din namen pinag-usapan ang mga issue ng nakaraan. Better yon diba, wala nga lang closure ang nangyari.

I wish I can tell her how much I miss my bestfriend. Pero okay na siguro iyon, we have a different life now, tama na siguro na okay na kame kahit papano, yung alam namen na we are forgiven kahit hindi na sabihin alam kong the moment that we took time to talked kahit hindi personaly, alam kong napatawad na namen ang isa't-isa. I wish her the best of everything, and siguro handa at kaya ko pa rin pala syang tulungan kapag pinuntahan nya ako at kailangan nya ng taong tatayo sa tabi nya. Sabi ko noon I will never ever be there for her kahit pa maging a matter of life and death I won't. Pero mali pala ako, I can still be there despite of everything,
"if she will ask to.

"LONGING"

Ngayon lang ulit ako makakapag-update ng blog, marami namang nangyari nitong mga ngdaang araw pero ni hindi ko naisipang isulat ito siguro dahil "I lost a will to express an emotional, practical, and other reason to write" hindi ko din alam kung bakit marahil na rin siguro masyado akong nalungkot sa bagong work assignment ko at kailangan ko talaga ng malalim na pag-iisip at pagtitimbang sa mga bagay-bagay.

Mukhang hindi maganda ang pasok ng buwan na ito.

JUNE 02, 2010 - Ito ang araw na ibinigay sa amin ang bago naming work assignment, 'I got depressed and frustrated' BAKIT? dahil salungat ito sa napag-usapn namin noong una akong na-interview para sa training. Natatandaan ko noon ng tanungin nila ako kung bakit ko gusto lumipat sa Systems Group. Isa lang ang sagot ko noon, dahil gusto ko ng technical work, dahil mas gusto ko ng software and hardware troubleshooting. Ngunit sinabi nila sa akin na kahit ito raw ang gusto ko kailangan ko dumaan sa isang extensive training, but the the training is programming, kapag nakapasa ka raw pwede ka ng mapunta sa operations.

I accepted, at syempre I expected na mapupunta ako sa operations after the training. They keep on asking bakit operations ang gusto ko, better daw if I became a programmer, marketable. Pero kahit anu pa mang opportunity ang meron ang isang programmer hindi ko iyon hinahangad. After all, para sakin it's not the salary. Nakapagtyaga nga ako na nasa training ako and I'm receiving lesser than my co-trainees. Marahil iisipin nyo ang corny ko naman sa ganitong pag-iisip. Pero iyon ang totoo, gusto ko lang masaya ako sa gingawa ko. Simpleng tao lang ako na gusto ng isang simpleng buhay.

Napunta ako sa isang team, as a system designer and developer, overview pa lang ng objective ang team na ito, hay... It really sucks! kahit anu pa man ang objective nila hindi pa rin ako ma-convince' simple lang dahil hindi ko pa rin ma-absorb na I'll be spending 3 yrs for something na hindi ako masaya. It's not being a programmer, it's the tool we are using. Dahil sa pagka-powerful ng mainframe its the first thing na ibibigay sa iyo at sinceito talaga ang system na ginagamit nila as a beginner in the group wala kang choice. Ngunit kahit gaano pa ito ka-powerful it doesn't suffice my interest. I'm suffering emotionally, mentally and rigidly.

Until now, nag-iisip pa rin ako, hindi ako pagod sa trabaho, pagod ako sa pag-iisip ng isang mabisang desisyon. Im planning to resign one of these days, bago ako pumirma ng bagong contract on September. Pero pinag-iisipan ko pa itong mabuti ng paulit-ulit. Im thinking of best ways. That's my plan A. Some said pwede pa akong bumalik sa dati kong group, but it doesn't suit well to me. Hindi dahil hindi ko gusto sa kanila, I love to work with them, and I have learned to love their work. Kundi dahil, hindi ko na sila gustong guluhin, sobrang hassle na ang naibigay ko sa kanila, I don't deserve to have them back. I deserve to have this frustration. It's my consequence.

Sana na lang one of these days, HE'll just drop an effective step towards. To let me know this is what HE wants me to be. That HE'll give me wisdom to be able to accomplish a purpose, to function effectively with my group, and to provide them an intended result.

That HE will bristled with my plan, if I'm planning in the wrong way. I actually told my Mom what I am feeling right now, sabi nya:

"Magdasal ka, na bigyan ka nya ng sagot sa mga tanong mo, na makaya mo
lahat, na gabayan ka nya sa lahat ng pagkakataon"

That's what Im longing right now.....

"ASK AND IT WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU, SEEK AND YOU WILL FIND"

'AITS BATCH 1 OF 2010'

At last after almost 3months matatapos na ang training. Ang pinakahihintay naming lahat. Parang ang hirap i-detach ung bonding na meron kame ngayon,mas closer na kase ang group at komportable na ang bawat isa, sa isa't isa. Ngunit sa ayaw man namin at sa gusto kailangan namin tanggapin na madedeploy kame in different divisions, hindi namin alam kung sino ang makakasama namin, new people nanaman at panibagong pakikisama nanaman. Sabi nga namin, pwede bang gumawa ng bagong division na kame pa din ang magkakasama?..

Marami na ang mababago:

1. Wala ng sleeping sessions.
2. Wala ng kain ng kain sessions.
3. Wala ng petiks mode.
4. Wala ng review mode.
5. Wala ng exams na whole day mong sinsagutan.
6. Wala ng araw na papasok ka para tumanga ng 1 buong araw.
7. Wala ng tantrums during hands on.
8. Wala ng mga trip na mag-match ng food na babagay sa ketchup.
9. Wala ng asaran mode.
10. Wala ng "Enchong at Keo' na mangungulit, YES!
11. Wala ng Anna, ang pulis ng batch na galing sa ibang planeta
at ang mga virus nya na nakakahawa.
12. Wala ng Carl na hobby ang pag-cocode ng program.
13. Wala ng Joyce, at wala na din si Rey dahil wala na si Joyce.
14. Wala ng Melvs na bumubuhay sa sense of humor ng lahat.
15. Wala ng Tin na tutulong sakin, maghanap ng mga syntax error ko.
16. Wala ng Toi na nakakaintindi sa nararamdaman ko towards programming.
17. Wala ng Mai ang bunso ng batch.
18. Wala L.A. na kasama lagi sa love triangle, (KEO pagkakataon mo na!)
19. Wala ng Chel ang mommy ng batch.
20. Wala na din ako.

Marami akong natutunan during this training. The courage to try. The guts to hold on and believe na kaya ko. Pero I won't make it kung hindi dahil sa tulong ng mga taong sumusuporta at naniniwala saken.

Ang mga former boss ko sa BFB, dahil hinyaan nila akong tanggapin ang opportunity na ito. At sila din ang dahilan kung bakit pinilit kong kayanin ang training. Sayang naman ang binigay nila sa akin na pagkakataon kung hinyaan ko lang ito na mawala diba?.. Sa mga pagkakataon na gusto ko ng bumigay sila ang sandalan ko, ung trust nila saken ang nagtutulak sakin na kumapit. Kung hindi dahil sa kanila wala ako sa training.

Hindi din magiging successful ito kung hindi dahil sa tulong ng batch 1, noong una akala ko hindi ako magtatagal sa group. Bakit?.. Una, ang babata ng mga kasama ko, matatalino, at pakiramdam ko noon isa ang lang gusto nila ang manguna sa training, kaya they think much of theirselves bago ang iba. Which is kabaliktaran ng objectives ko ng magdecide akong pumasok sa training. Simple lang gusto ko nun, pumasa at makatapos sa training, hindi kailanman pumasok sa isip ko na makipag-kumpetensya sa kanila. Dahil siguro I'm matured enough and I'm over sa school life environment. I admit na sobrang bored ako nun sa training, tinatamad, akala ko kase nun tapos na ako sa pagiging estudyante. Pero nung training kailangan kong ibalik ung enthusiasm ko sa pag-aaral. Dahil hindi ako magsu-survive kung hindi ako mag-aaral. Pinilit ko talaga ang sarili ko. At ng simulan kong bumuo ng bond sa kanila, na-proved kong hindi ka naman pala nila iiwan, ng-start talagang magtulungan para pumasa ang lahat.

Halfway ng module, I've decided to quit, kinontak ko talaga ang prof namen to tell that I'm quitting, I'm running out of reasons nung time na yon para mag-quit. Good for me na hindi sya pumayag, at least ngayon patapos na ko sa training. Hindi ako makatulog ng panahon na yon, isa lang kasi ang gusto ko noon, ang mag-quit. But someone told me some lines of encouragement at tumatak talaga yon sa isip ko:

"Quitters never win, how are you supposed to get what you want in life, if you don't go thru it the hard way"..

Which is true talaga, if you dont want to risk, then you dont want it bad enough. Buti nalang pinakinggan ko sya. At ngayon ang sarap sa pakiramdam ng achievements na ito. But 50% of it I owe it to Sir POGS! Dahil binigyan nya ako ng pagkakataon..

Hindi ko alam kung panu ako magpapasalamat sa inyong lahat.

Kay Anna, na matyagang nagwa-walk through sa program ko, kahit sobrang tamad ako dahil sa kanya pinipilit kong magsipag.



Kay Carl, sa lahat ng help sa pagde-debug.



Kay Joyce at Melvs, na source palagi ng program codes ng lahat, thank you guys for not being selfish.


Kay Tin at Toi, na hindi ako iniiwan hangga't hindi ako nakakatapos.


Sila ang madalas tumulong sa akin, I owe it you guys! Thank you!
And to the rest of the batch, sa bondings naten. Thank You! Mami-miss ko kayo. Back to normal na ako. Sana once in a while kahit magkakahiwaly na tayo, minsan lumabas tayo together!


"ONE FOR ALL, ALL FOR ONE, TOGETHER WE STAND!"
"BPI-CSC AITS BATCH 1 OF 2010, LUCKY 13..

"Kaarawan"..

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY?..

One year older...

***So how's the previous year? Is it nice?..

Probably it was nice, although sometimes its tough. I've gone through some emotional crisis. I remember last year was my saddest birthday. No celebration at all. My whole family got depressed and we've been going through a bumpy road last year. HE gave us the hardest test, actually I quitted on HIM, I had a great anger on HIM. For HE let us deminished each other, until we all fall apart. My ultimate birthday wish last year was:

1. To bring back my family.
2. To gave my Mom the courage to hold on.
3. To see her again wearing a bountiful smile.
4. To take my brother away from temptations.
5. To make him realize how stupid he was.
6. To take him back in GOD's hands.
7. To gave my sister in law a peace of mind and happiness.
8. TO gave her another reason to smile.
9. To make her realize she had been my greatest sister and a great daughter in law for my Mom.
10. To gave my niece and nephew a home full of love.

But out of my 10 wishes only 3 of them was granted. But I still hope HE'll gave it all in HIS time.

***How about your work? How was it?..

We'll its nice and great, I had been working with a great people. I was able to learn things I've never think I would. I found new friends. Work was really great, but I had to walk through and wobble to another career thats why I decided to leave them. I am now working with new one, and I think its the best gift HE had given me.

***How about your love life? Was it colorful?..

First and second quarter last year its colorful, but it turns colorless because of some unexpected reasons. But I'm happy, I already get used to it. Acceptance is the key. Now?. I am with a new one. Lucky right?.. And I hope it is him written to be my one.

***How's your relationship with your bestfriend? Was it okay now?..

Sadly it was not, and will forever be that way. I missed her, the way she greeted me on my birthday, the way she made my day a special day. I always thought of our past few years that were okay, on how we made ourselves free everytime our birthday will come, we always have one day to celebrate. But I already accepted that forever is over. And im happy for whatever life she has right now. I had forgiven her and I wish she already forgave me.

One year had gone, time to CELEBRATE A NEW LIFE!
Here I am now, HAPPY! Thank you for the new year!

Thanks to this people who celebrated with me, my first day of my new year!
The undeniable friendship that we have for 10 years now. They made my day so happy!








More pictures on Facebook.. =)